It’s Not a Resolution, It’s a Reality Check (Introducing our guest writer)

The Kramers had nothing to say about 2017 ending nor wanted to share a post dedicated to 2018 BUT lucky for us our shared mutual friend (once groomsman) Eddie or E-Money came forward with writing this post for us. So as once quoted “tie yourself down to whatever chair you’re sitting in, because this email post is going to be a rough ride.”

Team,

Great job ending Q4 and 2017. We had some ups and downs, but I’m proud of where we are now and look forward to a bullish Q1. That being said, I’m back in the Midwest from a three-week debaucherous holiday vacation (see: stories of well vodka and vape pulls). The first weekend in ’18 finds me cold, further in credit debt, and with hat hair. Despite these pitfalls, I write to you beside my couchmate, Natty Light, so things are looking up.

2017 welcomed me to quite a few cities, and I noticed a concerning pattern amongst persons under 30 while they day drank: Cringe-Worthy Song Selections. Much how I do not believe in new year resolutions, I do not believe certain songs should be played before, say, 10 pm. These songs include Bohemian Rhapsody, Friends in Low Places, What’s My Age Again, Pony, Ice Ice Baby, and Wasn’t Me. These songs were chart toppers during their time for a reason – they go. But give them the respect they deserve and don’t play them out. In my travels, I haven’t found a specific city that commits this offense more than another, but no matter the region each song attracts a particular type of person.

Bohemian Rhapsody

The guy who queues Bohemian Rhapsody midday will inevitably blackout far too early and fire off Friends in Low Places in the Uber. Congratulations, we still don’t know what (who?) a Scaramouche is, and you just lowered your buddy’s Uber rating because he didn’t have the “secret 3rd verse only found on the Garth Live album.”

What’s My Age Again

Excuse me, ma’am; we get it. Your dirty Chuck Taylors and vast knowledge of Blink 182 music clearly place you in the boy’s group, and we love having you around, but you’re not dating anyone here for a reason. It’s 7 pm, play something that matches our wardrobe. We’re pregaming with Bauer, and you’re making him nervous.

IMG_6455-1.jpeg

Pony

If the sun is out, leave Pony in the stable. Even today, a well-timed Ginuwine beat-drop is a valuable tool that can be used by guy or girl. You wouldn’t sell Boardwalk and Park Place early in the game, so time it right and let it ride.

Wasn’t Me and Ice Ice Baby are my only exception to this list, and they take high exception.

Ice Ice Baby is invaluable to the right sized group. Let’s say it’s 4 pm, you just came back from the pool, half the girls are asleep, and the other half are getting ready for tonight. You and the boys are on the patio ripping heaters, and the group turns to ol’ Kevo because he killed it at the Halloween party junior year. You open Spotify and hit… “Yo, VIP, let’s kick it!!” Ah, that crazy white guy still stunts. We all recorded that, Kevo.Shaggy could very well be at the party and should still not sing Wasn’t Me before 10 pm. Wasn’t Me is reserved for one type of person. When the snow is thicc, and the streets are iced up like a pop tart, no one wants to go out. However, the group has to do something. This is where Chloe comes in.

Here we go

Chloe is the mom of the group, and though she gets frustrated for the party always being at her place, she doesn’t want to see it lack luster just because of cold weather. Chloe’s ace in the pocket is Wasn’t Me, and she never fails to glow up. Save these songs for wedding receptions, delirious 7-hour road trips, and for when your uncle wants to show off his new Bluetooth speaker that ‘doesn’t need wires.’ Betray these social morays and expect to see fewer people the next time you want to host.

If I may suggest a few harmonies for easy listening that are just as powerful in the background as they are on the mainstage. ( listen up, take my advice)

  1. Michael Jackson – Will You be There. (The intro is so long the party will think your phone disconnected, but don’t mind them. Power stance and finger to the sky.)
  2. Brooks and Dunn – Brand New Man. I saw the light, I’ve been baptized.
  3. Hall and Oats – Rich Girl. (So help me…if you overplay this song I will find you and harm you.) *”Jacob Kramer needs to be harmed for overplaying this song”- Ekramer
  4. Nelly – Country Grammar. Play to your audience for the explicit version, but we all know the words.
  5. Tag Team – Whoop! (Wait for the D2 reference, you gotta earn every inch.)
  6. Bruno Mars – 24K Magic. (This song still has lyfe OR is that debatable?)
  7. Deana Carter – Strawberry Wine. Learn to slow down, she’ll appreciate it.
  8. Looking Glass – Brandy. Those who know, know.
  9. Chicago – Saturday in the Park. Equally pleasant to the guy napping and the couple having a moment
  10. Huey Lewis and the News – Power of Love. Hit the music, Micah. S/o Touch Nation.

For those who enjoyed this read, please drop Bauer a line and request Uncle E-Money be featured more often. Please comment on a topic you would like me to provide a wholly cynical and in no way qualified to take on.

Follow E-money on spotify (emoralezjr )

Please follow and like us:
Share